The Dam Bursts and Thoughts Flow

Sun Sessions

2009-04-26T23:46:00.002-05:00

Just to change things up a bit here is a student video by a junior film major at columbia, it's really REALLY good.

Sun Sessions from Eddie O'Keefe on Vimeo.

Wackadoodle

2008-08-07T16:28:00.002-05:00

So here I am at the end of the summer. What a summer it has been. Working at a camp all summer was a great experience, God really showed me some large areas where I need to work on my heart, and at the same time He confirmed my choice to be an education major. Working with kids was the most rewarding experience of my life. Every week a new batch of kids came in, each group more different than the last, but all with great joys and hardships. I loved it and wouldn't have rather done anything else all summer. Yet, here I am on the verge of school. God has continually and blatantly blessed me in the choice to go to Judson. Last year with the beginning of my freshman year He gave me incredible friends and relationships, a year full of growing and enjoyable experiences. He gave me a place where I knew I could feel loved and safe, a place where I could be entirely and honestly me for all my faults. I was then given the position of Wilson Hall Dorm President for this year as well as the position of student mentor for the incoming freshmen.
All this almost came to and end though. As we were pulling out of the drive from Judson my dad informed me that my aunt who had cosigned for my loans could no longer do it. This meant that short of a working of God I would not return to Judson. I could not sign for my own loans as I had tried to only weeks earlier and been denied. I told myself that sure God would not open the doors that he had if I was not going to be able to serve, I told myself to have faith that it would work out. As camp approached I knew I had little time to act so I applied again by myself for the same loan as before and this time, yes this time, I got approved. I got approved on my own credit. God provided. Now walking into the new school year with everything paid for, with a position to serve my school on a large scale, and with my good friends as my roommate and suitemate I am confident beyond anything that Judson is truly where I am meant to be for now.

We Are, We Are All Innocent

2008-05-19T17:11:00.002-05:00

So summer is here. It has been two weeks and boy have they flown by. I am biding my time these days until camp starts. I sit and watch endless hours of trashy reality television. I check facebook incessantly. I check my e-mails too. I need routine and a schedule. I need my friends back, or new ones to hold their spots until the fall. And then I look at all of those I statements and how worthless every action that follows is. I realized last week how little of my abundant free time has been spent with a focus on God. During school I made excuses of being to exhausted and now I just put it off. Sometimes I can be an idiot. The most time I've spent with God has been praying over finances that I am already positive God is going to provide. I think I'm just afraid of commiting to anything else in prayer and then failing to do it. This is what home is though. It's a blackhole. I don't know how others find so much joy in this limbo. All I can do is think about how much I want to be anywhere else. I told myself the other day to at least practice serious drawing and so I did...for a couple hours and have yet to return to it. Why is productivity so hard? Why can't we just do things? I have read a couple books in these past 2 weeks, but thats still such a leisurely activity. Man...I need direction. God I pray for these months to fly by and bring me back to school. There at Judson is my home, for home is where the heart is. That is where my friends are, where my dreams are, where my future is. This place, this house, my parents house...this place is a prison.

Gather Up Your Jackets and Move it to the Exits, I Hope You Have Found a Friend

2008-05-03T23:27:00.002-05:00

This place is my home and these people are my family. Everything that rests back in Bolingbrook is a memory. When I return we will talk and laugh and reminisce and that'll be all we have. These months apart have changed me and yet I will be viewed with old eyes. I am excited to see old friends again, and I am excited to have fun with them, but it aches inside, this idea of leaving the people here. They have been more integral to who I am now than any other person before aside from maybe Alex. Yet I am forced to deal with the unfairness of college; I am forced to come to school, live, eat, and breathe with these people, cry with these people, laugh with these people, pray with these people for months and then be stripped away from it all. Not only that, the place I return to is not even my home. My parents now live in a home in Minooka, a foreign world to me. I write this sounding bitter but it is only because I love these people. My bitterness is derived from love.
In just a matter of hours my parents will be here and I will load up the truck. We will pull off through the tree-lined drive to State Street and drive off into the distance and Wilson and Judson and my friendships will be on hold. I pray that I can welcome this waiting period called Summer with ease and eagerness. I pray that I can remain strong. God give me grace and give me joy. It's closing time.

I Sing the Body Electric, I Celebrate the Me Yet to Come

2008-04-29T00:33:00.003-05:00

In thinking about my last post I realized there were a great number of people I did not mention and that is because it is impossible to name every person who has influenced me greatly this year, but I want anyone and everyone who reads this to know that I love them. Even if I don't know you I love you.
Tonight was a farewell party for a guy at my school named Gerald. He works in student development and was my mission project leader. This man is an incredible person. He has one of the largest hearts and greatest gifts for leadership I have seen in a person. In many ways he is connected in reality and in my head to Rob, my former youth pastor. Gerald was the youth pastor at the church Rob now teaches at, and Gerald has met him in various occasions, as well as Gerald now works at the school Rob graduated from. In a lot of ways they are similar in personality. Gerald, however, is unique in his ability to love and care for everyone he meets. He is intuitive to hurt and oepn to action. He is hilarious and makes any situation 99% less awkward, and still knows when to draw the line at being serious and submissive. He has taught me and cared for me ina lot of ways in a short time, and it was very hard to say good-bye. This made me think of all the people I am meeting now, especially in upper classes, that as the years go by I will say a pretty substantial good-bye to. This is what I call the curse of college: we build relationships like none we've had before and every year we are forced to let at least one of them go with the insecurity that we may never see them again. This made me very sad. It also made me realize that I am more responsible now than ever for building strong foundations, developing great abilities at long distance correspondence, and putting selfishness aside and spurring others on to their goals. After all I love these people and will do what it takes to stay in touch.
On a side note from Gerald's party I suppose some of you are unaware of my current conflict on changing my major. It has been a long process of thought and prayer and talking. It will continue to be so. However, all BS aside, I am considering changing my major to Visual Art Education to teach art at the middle school level. You see, I could explain in an hour some of my thoughts on this and it still wouldnt be a complete thought process, however I will try to explain as much as possible here. When coming to Judson I was already considering an education major over film production. Since beinghere I have often and frequently rethought where my passion lies as to whether I wanna make movies or just like watching them. It has been tough but I think I just enjoy the storytelling. I love watching and critiquing movies, but I don't know that I would want to make one. I also continue to think about how much joy I got from working with jr. highers in the youth group at trinity, and how much I love my younger cousins and other kids. I think about my gift of leadership and how that factors in, and here comes the most substantial part of my conflicting decision. During the mission project we did a time of encouragement where we all sat and encouraged each other focusing on one another, and it was there that a couple people I deeply respect told me I have the gift of encouragement. One of them told me it was truly unique in me. I was shocked. since then others have continued to mention it. I began to realized I was more a fan of pushing my friends on in their endeavors than embarking on my own, and then in a conversation with Ben I was told that as a teacher he could see me changing kids lives. Wow. That is a lot to take for me. I have never had people tell me that. So i figured the best way to put this into action is to be a teacher. I bring this up with Gerald's party because while I was there I was talking with this girl Ashley and she had mentioned how even though sometime she is frustrated with her current major sociology she came in as an accounting major. She explained that it was the people and community and openness of Judson that helped challenge and mold her and teach her that her original plans were not for her. I began thinking of how I almost went to Columbia where I would have stuck with film production only to wind up miserable, but being here at Judson and by going on the mission project I have been able to nurture and discover my gifts and passions. The last factor will be working at camp this summer. If I cannot stand working with kids by the end then no ed. major for me, but if i can't get enough then I will be sure where God's plan for me lies. Either way I am excited to see where I am at down the road, like my title says I celebrate the me yet to come. God is working all over and I hope I can be a testament to that in my simple, finite life.

More end of year thoughts to come...if you're reading comments would be nice.

What Can You Do With a Sentimental Heart?

2008-04-28T01:07:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here on a couch in second floor lounge in Wilson Hall as my friend Robb sits here and talks to Josh. I am currently listening to Sentimental Heart by She and Him. The thought in my head: This is it. This is my home. This is the end...of the year. I would have never guessed months ago that I would have found such joy in this place and in these people. Yes I did guess I would find joy, but not in the way it has been given to me.
I still remember the first friday being here. I remember moving in and the giant flood outside of Wilson and Volkman Halls. I remember meeting my roommate and realizing that I was going to share all my space with him. I remember playing ultimate frisbee shirtless and thinking "thank God, I am home." Most importantly though I remember meeting Kyle. That night as I walked down the stairs of Wilson to head out to the field I met Kyle. We talked the whole way to the field, and I thought "I could really like this kid." Later that night I found out he is my suitemate. Soon I would find out he is my friend. Kyle is so different than me, he is quiet, super competitive, and patient, but that didn't stop us. He has pushed me to be more competitive, he has coached me and helped me appreciate sports. I have helped him understand art and creativity. Kyle is my friend.
Tonight I gave Kyle a huge hug and realized I wouldn't see him for 3 months. I also won't see my friend Mike for three months or my roomie of next year Richard. It hurts to say good-bye to people who you just want to continue knowing and learning about. It hurts to know that we will all have 3 months of changing between now and then. It hurts. However, I love these three guys, they're my guys. I wouldn't change what I have with any of them for anything.
The hardest good-bye will come when I have to say it to Ben. Ben started the year as an RA on my floor. He soon became my small-group leader. Then he became my friend. Soon after he became my accountability partner, and in the months to come he would become my lifeline. I have hardly known a friendship like Ben's in any way. I have never felt as honest and as unconditionally loved by anyone outside of my family as I have with Ben, in fact Ben knows more about me than anyone save for God. We started off our accountability with the typical stuff and as the year went by we hit some of the hardest bumps in my memory and in times of great darkness and selfishness he continued to reach back for me. When I could only find reasons to hurt him he took the blows, and in times when I needed it he made me feel like crap, but in a good way. He has allowed me to enter into his life as much as I have let him in mine. In the months following winter break I found myself in a slump of enormous depression. I sought out counseling and was diagnosed with clinical depression, and there were times even up until two weeks ago where I didn't know if I could hold on to this life, but Ben he covered me with love. Ben is my RA, my accountability partner, my friend, my lifeline, and more than anything else, he is my brother. I will miss him greatly over the summer.

This is all for now. I will continue to reflect over the rest of the week.

I Did Not Choose Him, He Did Not Choose Me

2008-03-22T01:58:00.002-05:00

22 hours away from 19 years of life...how sad that they've been 19 useless, selfish, frustrating years.

My New Crush

2008-01-27T02:13:00.001-06:00

Alison Sudol of A Fine Frenzy

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T POSTED

2008-01-24T12:00:00.000-06:00

1. Put your iTunes, or Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.

If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
The First Noel(?)

How would you describe yourself?
Just Because You Can't See the Sun Doesn't Mean It Isn't Shining

What do you like in a guy and/or girl?
Logic of a Friend

How do you feel today?
With My Own Eyes

What's your life purpose?
Dance: Ten, Looks: Three

What do your friends think of you?
Sky Blue Sky

What do your parents think of you?
Finding Your Feet Again

What do you often think about?
Grace Kelly(haha, what?!)

What do you think about the person you like?
Side With the Seeds

What is your life's story?
Tourniquet

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Fewer Words

What will you dance to at your wedding?
El Tango de Roxanne

What will they play at your funeral?
Is There Anybody Out There

What is your biggest fear?
Luv

What is your biggest secret?
Beautiful

What do you think of your friends?
Run Like Hell

What do you think about your past?
Happy Now

What is your future going to be like?
Worry All the Time

What do you see in the person you like?
Crown of Love

What will the song be for you and your spouse?
Easier to Run

Well now that I've wasted your time and gotten the most ridiculous answers have a great day.

Photo Final...

2007-12-13T23:20:00.001-06:00

here are just some pictures from my photo final...enjoy.

My new movie blog

2007-11-26T01:54:00.001-06:00

check out my new movie blog at:
http://reellove555.blogspot.com/

Let brotherly love continue...

2007-11-08T18:46:00.000-06:00

I spent the first 2 months of school believing God put me here for my good, believing i was here because of myself. I was foolish.

I am here for God, he put me here for Him.

I don't know how I can iterate that any clearer. Every friendship he has given me has been to glorify God, which has in turn given me something, every habit He has broken has been so I am not hindered in my worship of Him, but I also have been able to take new freedom through that. God is my reason.

Recently I have started accountability with my friend/RA ben. In only 2 weeks God has honored this covenant between us. It has taught me that my wayward actions do not effect only me, they effect Ben now as he feels disappointment in my failures and celebration in my victory. It effects how i interact with the guys here, falling means i have failed this brotherhood, conquering this sin draws me closer to these guys. Ben and I have begun reading the word daily and discussing it weekly, and never have i felt such rejuvenation from God as I have in these days I've spent in his word, but this rejuvenation isn't mine to horde, its to equip me with the knowledge and the heart to exist in a wayward world.

God uses what we call "upper room" here at judson to ignite worship in ways most people will never understand until they experience it. something occurs in upper room where even the most reserved people can't resist the call to worship God in their whole being, something happens that makes you feel too small to sing those words, makes your voice feel to quiet, your heart too content, your body to finite, and everything inside of you explodes and screams forth worship like you never knew you could. God used Upper Room tuesday night to break me in every sense of the concept. I couldn't stand for a few minutes because I felt unworthy of body for the crimes against God i had committed, but our Father loves and so he forgives.

Recently I have been considering applying to be an RA next year because my heart to serve and interact and love others continues to grow daily, and what easier way to do that daily than to exist in a position where your purpose is to serve those around you and to help them. Today I gave a speech for my Faith and Learning class about the state of our world, utilizing the commonly forgotten truth that above all things all you need(aside from God) is love(and God is love). That is precisely what my video was about, it was about the isolation everyone feels and how it takes only one persons love to revive us from death, it took only christ's love to save us, it took only alex's love to guide me to God. After presenting this speech the class came alive, they responded to my speech with questions and my professor sat beaming which she never does. After class my friend Jen told me that I was the wisest person she knew at my age, or something to that effect, and continued to tell me that I should be someone who can work with people and impart my wisdom on them and talk to them, she first said like a pastor or a teacher, and then an RA, and it was probably the most encouraging statement I've heard in a long time from someone. This also contributes to my thoughts of minoring in sociology.

Just one more thought for today. There is this girl here who I have probably gone through an entire lifes worth of fighting, frustration, laughter, and joking in just these past 2 months due to my pride and foolishness. Finally after weeks of awkwardness, of bitterness I decided on halloween that this was all childish and just ended this nastiness. settling that relationship has just been the cherry on top of a life filled with God. This relationship is restored because God wanted it restored not because of either of us or our humility... it is restored because God gave us the humility because he required it.

God is the reason.

my worldview project.

2007-11-07T18:04:00.001-06:00

halloween makeup!

2007-10-31T11:52:00.000-05:00

Love is the Movement

2007-09-16T01:30:00.000-05:00

I am incredibly, undeniably, sensationally excited.

It's late and I have church in the morning, but I would love to tell you about what has happened so give me a call.

Seriously....calls are really nice sometimes

stuff your eyes with wonder

2007-08-29T11:52:00.001-05:00

have i mentioned how much i feel at home here, how much God has had his hand over this decision to come here, to be here, to love and live here? yesterday was my first day of classes and it was great, my design professor is unbelievable. the words that flow from prof. carl's mouth are so eloquent and beautiful and full of knowledge and insight whether he's quoting an author or merely discussing the finer and lesser points of picasso. if the students here were encouraging, the professors are anchoring me here. i want to pick the brains of my profs, listen to the stories of my peers and just worship God in this place. whats even more amazing is that this campus and these people arent under an invisible administration, i love my schools president, president cain is constantly involved and constantly out and about getting to know his staff and students. he runs this campus so well because he loves so big, God is in this place, can't say that enough. Stuff your eyes with wonder. thats what i want to do. open my eyes so wide that i can fill them to the brim with wonder. be encouraged, beauty is everywhere.

When It's Time to Party We Will Party Hard

2007-08-25T01:03:00.000-05:00

So, i am officially here at judson, all moved in and had an incredible day. I feel a change in my heart already, the guys here are amazing, they accept me and i dont feel self-conscious or afraid to be myself. The thing about the people here is they encourage love, but not just love, God's love and accountability...there is nothing here that im afraid to try because these guys have shown immense love and acceptance already. i look forward to doing life with these guys and sharing this amazing new chapter of my life with them and the other students as they move in in a couple days. Thank you God, I don't think I could've found this anywhere else.

It's time to party hard.

Oh yeah...i played ultimate frisbee with a bunch of strangers...shirtless....in the mud...those of you who know me will be shocked to hear that. have a good night.

Here comes the rain again.

2007-08-24T10:01:00.001-05:00

So it has been raining for about 3 days or more, i dunno. Anyway parts of my school are flooded and I move in today...go figure. That leads me to the fact that I AM MOVING OUT OF MY HOUSE! I'm full of all kinds of emotions, I'm excited, I'm nervous, but mostly I'm ready. This phase of my life needs to begin with a rush of newness and revitalization as I say goodbye to my parents and take a step toward the place I've been waiting for for a long time.

Judson...here i come.

Registration

2007-07-01T13:02:00.000-05:00

So I spent most of my friday at Judson registering for class and such. I mostly got the classes I wanted and I'd have to say I am most looking forward to Photography for Digital Media which is a class about how to tell a story using photography. I also found out my roommate whose name is justin and i will be living on the 3rd floor of Wilson Hall and have a nice little view of the pond and fountain. Being at judson friday just continually gets me more fired up for school... CANNOT WAIT! Now i just have to make it through this month which includes a wedding, a couple parties, and a trip to Mexico. woohoo. Well I figured I'd give an update on my life so far.

This is my residence hall, Wilson Hall

This is the pond/gazebo outside of Volkman hall

This is Herrick Chapel.

Just a few pictures of my future home.

All You Need Is...

2007-06-13T17:28:00.001-05:00

Electric Lips

2007-06-10T22:36:00.002-05:00

Children of Summer

2007-05-30T15:40:00.001-05:00

Driving with my windows down,
music pulsing through my interior.
Hot leather seats that burn unbearably
as the sun blazes through the roof.
As the wind rushes through my hair,
I know I'm never coming back,
never coming back to this place, this moment.

Tiptoe through the lazy blades of green,
barefoot and care-free,
children of the summer day.

The bells of the nearby schools are silent.
The halls, like the desert,
call for the liberated souls of the season.
Old Ms. Black goes home till August
and drinks herself to sleep.
The days are long and she is alone,
she's never coming back, no, not this time.

Forget your sorrows in the white clouds,
tank-top laden teens,
children of the summer day.

Neighborhood cookout smoke in the sky,
family reunions and
the renewal of parents and child.
Hiding in the bathroom as the sirens blare.
Mother, daughter, father, son
hold on tight as the summer winds
find a house to tend to, hold on.

Trickle down storms on our eternity,
fearless as one,
children of the summer day.

Lovers dazzled in the sunrise ribbons,
full of early morning ecstasy,
find each other in the meadow.
Invincible in the light,
infected by the lips of each other.
Her hair in his face, as he holds tight.
His whispers in her ear, as she inhales.

Untouchable in youth
armored in love,
children of the summer day.

Summer Approaches

2007-05-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

So i think for the next 4 years of my life I am going to only buy clothes from thrift stores, wal-mart, and target.

I guess that is kind of random, but I am tired of spending ridiculous amounts of money on clothes I don't even wear.

I really haven't posted lately due to the lack of anything interesting to post.

All That You Build, All That You Break

2007-05-05T12:43:00.000-05:00

I sit here and ponder my 18 years. A child held by his parents hands, a boy with no identity. I laugh at some memories and cry at other, tearing my past into an amalgamation of tragedy and comedy.
It is May now. The sun is out and the grass is green again. In the distance I can hear the last school bell ring. I wait. The time is coming to say goodbye to the comfort of the familiar. Is that farewell so bad I wonder. Only in recent weeks have I understood what it means to be ready to say good-bye.
We have changed, all of us have. We will always know each other, but these friendships fade. I am ready to step beyond the threshold into new relationships, ready to know others. We will always have our history, but the future is what comes to sweep us away to new trails.
Perhaps I am early in writing this, but this is my farewell to high school, to childhood, to the familiar, to the stagnant, to chains, to regret.
Farewell.
Hello newness.

just a quickie

2007-04-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

this is just a quick picture from prom, my date is on the right.

more paint.

2007-04-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

Expressionist Self-Portrait

2007-04-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

28:06:42:12

2007-04-13T01:12:00.000-05:00

Tonight i received a phone call from blockbuster asking me for an interview. i have an interview on wednesday. please pray. The painting is a stylized portrait of my brother. The one below is called Infection.

La Vie Boheme, God, Clothes, Paint and Knees

2007-04-11T12:05:00.000-05:00

God is faithful.

I decided to call H&M for the third after being told I'd get a call twice and received no call, and so today I made progress. The girl answering the phone was the same I had spoken to before and she said she would personally look into it, after finding my recruiter unavailable for the third time she gave me an on the phone interview herself. Progress. So then I decide to get online and check my email and lo and behold there is an email from this summer job I applied for saying I got the job. fantastic. I had been praying over these jobs and pursuing them. God is faithful.

Film

2007-04-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

So the other night i was watching a podcast and felt inspired to make a film. However, at this particular time i was packing to head to a friend's house so i had to make it quick and so the editing is a bit sloppy, and its not that great but here it is. The song is Go Sadness by Shout Out Louds

Something I wrote

2007-04-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

This is an unfinished short story i began in school the other day.

The skyline clouded out the sun as the lovers rested. A cool breeze tiptoed across the fire escape. The steel grating impressed upon their backs as they slept on the urban canopy. They slept above the world, suspended by only the metal skeleton. Two as one in the wind. Slowly the sun peeked between the buildings pulling open the tired eye of the young man; he blinked trying hard to register the world beyond his sleep.
He looked over at the serene stranger lying next to him. Every once in awhile she let out a soft snore and continued in her rest. He stood up. Opened the window. Stepped inside. The interior of the apartment clung to the dreary twilight of dawn as bodies lay strewn across the floor. It was a battlefield of drunken veterans. He looked at the living dead who would soon awaken to find the prior evening washed away in a maelstrom of gin and tonic.
He slowly creeped over the bodies, glancing out the window, stepping, glancing, stepping. Stepping until he reached the hard linoleum flooring of the kitchen. His stomach finally woke with a loud growl. Scanning the kitchen he spotted half-full plastic cups, the punch bowl, and day-old coffee forgotten, sitting in the pot. In the cabinet he found cereal. Sitting down to eat his thoughts found themselves straying to the night that still lingered in the sounds of sleeping.
He remembered having only a cup of punch, remembering his dislike for alcohol and its bitterness. He remembered not wanting to be there, not wanting to celebrate. He remembered her, she sat at the other end of the room bored with the parade of fools. He remembered stepping out into the autumn air with her, the smell of winter sneaking into the end of every breath. He remembered her hand on his, he remembered her lips. He remembered the silence of time passing as the conversation turned to sleep and the moon lay its guardian hands on them.
As he washed his bowl she slid into the kitchen. He hadn't noticed her rise. She had her finger to her lips; he followed suit and sealed his mouth. Grabbing her hand she pulled him over the dreamers. Leaving the apartment she pulled him down the hall to the elevator in a fit of stifled laughter that released behind the closing doors.

thats all i got and its not hemingway or anything, it was a burst of creativity so it isnt flushed out or anytthing and there isnt any arc to it.

Run For Your Life

2007-03-20T16:13:00.000-05:00

So lately I have wanted to get back to running and run off all the weight ive gained over the past couple years after my super run-a-thon summer and today i ran 1 and 3/4 miles, which is pretty good for a guy of my size and atheletecism, in lieu of my new motivation to run ive decided to post 3 pictures, 1 picture from before i started running, 1 picture from when i was running, and 1 from now after the weight has come back.

my not so good watercolor

2007-03-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

Don't Make it Bad

2007-03-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry.
Sorry to everyone I've accused and scorned.
Sorry for the lies I believed.
Sorry for being a jerk and looking for pity.
Sorry for not seeing your love.
Sorry.

Today and yesterday were good. Tomorrow will be better.

These are the things we learn and live.

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na
-Hey Jude by The Beatles

I Don't Want to Live In My Father's House No More

2007-03-13T15:27:00.000-05:00

The past couple of days have past by in slow motion. I take in the world around me and I feel sick and lonely. I have a hard time eating more than one meal anymore, I can't bring myself to work. None of this is because of anyone, its me, i have low self-esteem and constantly look to my friends for approval, but now I'm trying to do without friends, they dont need me, then I shouldnt need them right? I mean I socialize at school, but i leave it at school now. I'm so tired. All the time I'm tired. I can't sleep at night and then I can't wake up. Somedays I wanna die, not kill myself but just, ya know, die or cease to exist. I'm not suicidal nor do I contemplate it, but wouldnt it be nice to not have to deal with the confusion of things in life or the people. Sure I might be ridiculous, thats fine, its nothing you haven't called me before. People comment here but then they don't call or even talk on aim. Im so tired of pretense.

I don't want to hear the noises on TV
I don't want the salesmen coming after me
I don't want to live in my father's house no more

I don't want it faster, I don't want it free
I don't want to show you what they've done to me
I don't want to live in my father's house no more

I don't want to choose black or blue
I don't want to see what they've done to you
I don't want to live in my father's house no more

Because the tide is high
And it's rising still
And I don't want to see it at my windowsill
-Windowsill by The Arcade Fire

Inhaling Thrills Through Twenty Dollar Bills

2007-03-12T14:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is God or Satan or just me. A lot of the time I'm sure its God, but right now I don't know. Things seem to be falling apart, I stand the in the middle of a room and shout, but no one seems to hear. How can something that has lasted so long end so abruptly and without notice. No one cares because they can't see it and they tell me I'm just depressed, but I'm not, I can't help but notice this one. Where is God in this situation? Why do I continue to write on this blog, no one reads it, but I guess I hope someone might and take pity on me. I'm a leech, but then maybe we all are in one way or another. All I want is to be noticed when I enter a room and talked to, but maybe not. "The indecision of a child, ladies and germs," to quote Jimmy Gator of Magnolia. I ache and moan, and rejoice in knowing no one who hurt me this year or last year or the year before will follow me to Judson but then I realize this will all start again with new people. Maybe I should just bury myself in something and cut myself off from friends, family, church, job, etc. Sigh. The indecision of me.

Been working for the Church
While your life falls apart
Singin’ hallelujah with the fear in your heart.
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home.
-Intervention by The Arcade Fire

more stuff.

2007-03-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

The t-shirt is step 1 of a huge project i am going to be working on.

On His Face is a Map of the World

2007-02-23T19:38:00.000-06:00

The New Me.

2007-02-21T21:50:00.000-06:00

nope, not a deep post, just a picture.

I Started a Joke

2007-02-09T21:47:00.000-06:00

A lonely man's mind stirs dangerously. Perhaps I am meant to be alone, not without God, but without people, I can't ever seem to keep a good thing going, I have to screw everything up and push people away and complain and whine and talk about myself. Maybe I need to be alone, with people I am a destructive person, the time bomb in the room, set off at the most random of incidents. That's me. I don't know how I can ever have a wife or even a steady girlfriend if I can't keep my friends from tiring of me. This isn't how things were promised, maybe I am wrong, gosh, I don't know. Sometimes I wish people would go away and I could shut myself away with my art because my art cannot grow tired of me, nor I of it. I don't want people to console me because honestly no one ever has helped and I doubt a stupid "o, i'm not tired of you" is gonna do anything especially when some people that read this blog couldnt tell you the first thing about me, and to be fair I couldnt tell you the first thing about them. Maybe this is my way of saying good-bye to this piece of crap life in bolingbrook, but maybe I'm just being emotional. Leave me alone. I am tired of people who could care less about me, but keep me around for some "good" company. Screw that. I am tired of just being there and being ignored or being there and put on the spot, I just want to fit in, but maybe I haven't found the right place to fit. I try my hardest to care for the people I love unconditionally, I really do try, but its so hard when its not returned. At the end of it all I am beyond glad that God is not human, that he is capable of loving unconditionally and never tires of His people.

L'amour Fou

2007-01-31T21:30:00.000-06:00

THE PAINTING IS DONE

2007-01-31T20:42:00.001-06:00

Im proud of this though, you may not like it, its my first experiment with acrylics, i made some mistakes, i know so okay, without further ado here is Lady in Noir, an original work by Daniel Little

Forget Regret or Life is Yours To Miss

2007-01-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

So lately I have come to terms with my purpose in this life, and that my friends is to love. God opened my eyes to everything I have found wrong with my life and the root of it all is the fact that I cannot love unconditionally. After opening my eyes, he opened my heart, and recently I desire nothing more but to love people and treat them like they are people, but I have screwed up a couple times in that there are a few people I am having a hard time even tolerating let alone loving. I pray for help there. I also have a hard time not comparing my love for someone to their love returned, but I am trying so hard to dispose of that notion that one must love me as much as I love them. I say this not to glorify my motives but to glorify God who is based on love. Yes, our God is a god of wrath, but beyond that He loves, you cannot become angry at someone for hurting themselves if you do not love them first. God never set up these laws of acceptance that we bind ourselves to, instead He just spread truth, there werent these heirarchies of hyprocrisy governing Him, I desire to be that way, I desire to walk like Jesus. I want to enter every relationship with no motive but to love that person as God does, and pray that God would work that relationship to his will. God's love is an unbelievable thing, my mind cannot fathom the love He bears, but that, I suppose, is why I am not God among other reasons.

I stink at expressing my thoughts.

I Don't Sleep, I Don't Count Sheep, I Just Talk to the Shepherd

2007-01-20T11:52:00.000-06:00

I never knew life could hold a thrill behind every moment until only recently when I realized life wasn't about me. I never felt how much other people hurt until I stopped looking at my own pain. In this life I don't think I want anymore than for someone to see, or listen, or experience something in my work that helps them, just one person, if I one person's life changes because of mine then my life isn't a waste. That sounds terribly self-gratifying, but lately I so desperately just want to love people and be with them and know them, and have some effect on one person just to know I haven't wasted my life on myself. This is God's life and I should use it for beauty and love, not the garbage I've used it for thus far. This life is temporary, I need to do something with it that means more than the sum of myself. All I want now is to love, and through that love express God and his beauty, sorta as brock connected in his blog. I want to make movies and paint pictures that make someone know beauty and feel not so alone in such a large, expansive, and ultimately isolating world, I want to express who He is in my art and live for Him and through that live for others. When I get married I want to cherish my wife with every moment, I want to let her know daily that my heart is her heart and we are one in God who makes the relationship possible. When I die I want to die knowing that this life was not mine, but it was a life of the people who loved me and who I loved, I want to know that this was God through me. This is my official apology to those who have been neglected or hurt by me in my selfishness, I am changing, that's all I can offer, please accept it.

watercolors

2007-01-19T22:58:00.000-06:00

A Little Poetry

2007-01-18T20:07:00.000-06:00

They danced around us
as thousands of snowflakes,
uniform in shape,
but bursting inside
as seperate souls.
We were yearning
for an eternity in the snow
that built up around us.
Thousands of miles
of endless
white.
Thousands of moments
of endless
words
that spoke like prophets
to the winds
of desperation.
These were the winters
that held our hearts
and felt our hurt.
These were the seasons
of renewal in death.
These moments,
These hours, these days, these weeks,
months,
and years were ours.
And we were one in
the silence of
white.

This post requires no title but essentially i am giving it one saying it doesn't need one.

2007-01-16T23:48:00.000-06:00

just some photoshop tomfoolery

2007-01-12T15:00:00.000-06:00

Well...Here is the Logo

2007-01-11T15:18:00.000-06:00

these are 2 choices for the logo of my current artwork starting with the painting I've been working on which I've prematurely titled "Lady in Noir" which is appropriate to the title of the series which is simply Noir. So here they are(the second is a dress).

Sometimes the World Isn't as Bad as it Seems

2007-01-08T21:12:00.000-06:00

There have been many nights lately where I've laid awake thinking "I'm so lonely." There have been many instances where it felt like everyone was in on a secret and wouldn't tell me. I don't know if all that's true, I know that if it is at all I've caused it to be that way. I feel my friends pull away, and I feel myself pull away from God, but last night His hand held me tight and I was unable to pull away, and for the first time I felt a true life passion and I felt like God just began burning through me again. Don't think it was some big emotional ceremony of blue flames and angels, it was me laying in bed praying my savior to just help me not feel lonely anymore and He gave me something more. I know, I know, everyone can say this and God knows I have said it before, but I am dead to my old self, I have to be, if I choose to regress I become stagnant not only spiritually but emotionally, I lose direction and purpose, I lose site of my passions and gifts. I lose site of the world and people around me and begin to slip and no matter how I reach for those people I still kill myself. I am sorry for losing our friendship. This is my time of change, it's a new year, it's a new beginning. Start new.

the woman is done...minus a few touch ups

2007-01-02T22:03:00.000-06:00

more progress

2007-01-02T20:06:00.000-06:00

So how about a real post?

2006-12-31T02:14:00.000-06:00

So I figured after a few posts of my artwork I'd write something. Life has been pretty swell, I really can't complain. I dont have anything planned monday-wednesday and thats a nice feeling and then thursday i leave for theatrefest, so really I am just plain old relaxing.

I am highly anticipating the winter retreat which should be a grand time. I suppose I haven't posted much due to there being nothing to post so I'm gonna go ahead and throw a few movie pitches at you.

Film 1: Under the Glass

Set in a northeastern suburb, our story takes place between two families as each member of the family learns to come to terms with the fact that life is made of a glass box that encompasses us and allows others to peer in at us. They must come to terms with the fact that sometimes these boxes shatter and all that is left is what was under the glass; all that is left is our pain, our hopes, our joy, our tears, lies, yelling, instability, death, and life. The film would act as an ensemble piece with the focus being on a boy from one of the families, he would act as the main sympathizer, the victim of everything.

Film 2: The Street Light

This film would be a coming of age tale, a story about 4 friends who spent their summers playing baseball under the street light. The story would be told only through their summers together, and would follow them through college. It would tell each boys story seperately following them through life as they meet girls, play baseball, stay up late, watch the stars, prepare for high school and then college, and then eventually get married. It would try to encompass the feeling of summer, where days stretch for eternity and the only memories are the smells of cut grass, chlorine in the swimming pool, and PB&J sandwiches for lunch.

Film 3: Color Me Bonnie

A modern day Bonnie and Clyde tale about two artists who meet in their senior year of college and begin a destructive relationship. The story would follow them as they meet and fall passionately in love and then the man introduces the woman to drugs and they begin dealing and using until a deal goes bad and they wind up as fugitives which leads to fatal end for the two lovers.

Film 4: The Hunter

This film would play out as neo-noir superhero tale about an underworld assassin who was sent to hunt a demon but fell in love, had a child and was recalled to the underworld only to be thrust back to the human world years later to hunt another demon. The Hunter was told his wife and child died, but he later finds out differently and is now conflicted because he has the chance to be with his wife and child, but if he kills the demon he will be sent back to the underworld, if he doesn't this demon could cause the end of the world including his wife and child. The demons are not the typical demons youd think, they come shown as gang members, business men, seductive women, and even mean children, it is the hunters job to navigate this dark world of otherworldly informants to find a demon he may not even want to kill. For those of you superhero nuts he does have abilities, he wields a sword that becomes strengthened by demonic blood and a cane with which he can summon creatures out of the shadows of our world to do his bidding, he can also become darkness, and becomes quite proficient with a gun.

New Project Progress Day 1

2006-12-30T01:03:00.000-06:00

Sunrise on Flowers(finished)

2006-12-28T22:32:00.000-06:00

progress is progressive

2006-12-28T21:30:00.000-06:00

Guess What I Got

2006-12-25T01:04:00.000-06:00

Though no one probably cares...I made out like a bandit this year.

well lets start with the extended family gifts:
1 Pin-stripe black and white button up
1 Pin-stripe black and white long sleeve shirt
1 Black sleeveless hoodie
1 Pair of jeans
1 Pair of brown courdoroy
1 Green flannel button up
1 yellow-ish t-shirt
all from H&M which i picked out
and a $25 gift card to H&M

and on to stockings:
1 hat from H&M
Giftcards to best buy, caribou, borders, H&M, EB Games, Jamba Juice, and Virgin Record Megastore
2 Pairs of PJ pants
1 pair of boxers
Watercolor paper
Watercolor pencils
Canvas
Acryllic paints
paint brushes
Turpenoid
Little Miss Sunshine DVD
The Breakfast Club DVD
3 ps2 games: Metal Gear Solid 2, 3, and Devil May Cry

and then under the tree:
another pair of PJ pants
a small video camera/digital camera/mp3 player
and a Nintendo DS

MUSICAL MANIA!

2006-12-23T20:23:00.000-06:00

So being the theatre nerd that I am I'm getting all up in a tizzy for the musicals coming out, im glad to see the genre was revived by, dare i say it, moulin rouge. Let us take a retrospective look at movie musicals.

The year is 2001, the director is Baz Luhrmann, creator of the reinterpretation of William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet and Strictly Ballroom. The film is Moulin Rouge. This is crazy, fun, fresh look at the movie musical through reviving popular songs and making them broadway-esque. Moulin Rouge was so successful that it garnered 8 academy award nominations including Best Picture. To understand why we celebrate Moulin Rouge as the revival of movie musicals we must look to the last few movie musicals. Before Moulin Rouge was Evita and Everyone Says I Love You in 1996, both were only mildly well received and neither garnered tremendous Oscar or critical attention, before them we have to look as far back as 80s movies such as Annie, A Chorus Line, Flashdance, and Footloose. While some of these movies were received warmly they were few and far between. Lets come back to Moulin Rouge. Suddenly people were realizing that there was a market for the movie musical, skip to 2002 and we see the release of Chicago. Chicago was nominated for a thrilling 13 oscars, winning 6 of them including Best Picture, and Best Supporting Actress for Catherine Zeta-Jones' performance of Velma Kelly. 2003 was a little empty with only a TV remake of The Music Man to hold us over until 2004 with the releases of De-Lovely a quiet musical about Cole Porter, and the warmly welcomed envisioning of Andrew Lloyd Weber's Phantom of the Opera which was nominated for 3 oscars. The following year we got 4 musicals with only one of them receiving any kind of acclaim, the four were Southland Tales, a weird, ridiculous futuristic musical from Richard Kelly, the creator of Donnie Darko, Rent, The Producers, and Reefer Madness: The Musical which has earned a cult following. This brings us to this year where we saw the release of the runaway TV hit High School Musical(gag me), the hip-hop musical Idlewild, and what is being buzzed as this year best picture contender, Dreamgirls.

And now this all brings me to the thrilling announcements of the film versions of Sweeney Todd, directed by Tim Burton, starring Johnny Depp, and Hairspray(in musical form this time around) starring John Travolta, Amanda Bynes, and Christopher Walken. While it is a hit-or-miss genre it has been reawakened. Let us celebrate.

And now a plug: come see Grease at Bolingbrook High School this spring, dates and times coming soon!!!

MORE ART!

2006-12-18T20:13:00.000-06:00

I know the eyes are messed up a bit, fixed em after taking the picture.

The picture above is a visual to the following poem which i posted awhile ago:
The dreamers look to the sky
And gasp;
In the twilight that glazed their eyes,
They saw forever
And took a breath.
Where are we?
The stars cascade across a
Darkened canvas.
Watercolors spread themselves
In intricacy
As two in love lean in
To bind eternity in a glimpse.
We are infinite in design,
But destructive in our
Fragile falling shards
Of fantasy that
Break our hearts to bleed
Into each other.

Our Hearts Turn with the Seasons

2006-12-17T21:45:00.000-06:00

Next week is Christmas.

Today I went to church for the first time in a good while and it felt like seeing my family for the first time in ages, it felt familiar and beautiful even if I can still find problems with my church I have lost the cynicism in my heart that kept me from embracing the good that is there.

Tonight we took communion and tonight I spoke to the Lord my Father truly and laid my burdens on him...my heart felt less heavy. I then understood later that the Lord lifted my burden so that I could take on a bit of someone else's, someone's burden I had known about but had not made my own until tonight.

I think I will make the most perfect mix CD ever.

EDIT:

my new mix CD is this:
Today I Became a Realist-Wax On Radio
You Will Disappear-New London Fire
Blackout- Muse
Little Walls-Monarch
Sympathy for the Martyr-Straylight Run
Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd
Run-Snow Patrol
Staralfur-Sigur Ros
Hallelujah-Rufus Wainwright
The Quiet Screaming- The Legion of Doom
Dark Blue-Jack's Mannequin
How it Ends-DeVotchka
Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis-Brand New
Dawn Architechts-Wax On Radio
Somewhere in Between-New London Fire

Hold Your Grandmother's Bible to Your Breast

2006-12-14T21:14:00.000-06:00

So, I forgot to mention that yesterday I got a christmas card....from Judson! I think it's so cool that they are totally into making people feel loved and cared for. I can't wait to be there.

In other news if you can guess what song my post title is from then...well... I guess you're pretty cool.

I really have nothing new to report...I'm just still excited about that christmas card...o, and the postcard from the girl who gave me a tour of campus, and a letter from the president, and constant interaction on aim with my admissions counselor....yeah stuff like that makes me excited about next year.

If the world were made of cotton candy.

2006-12-13T19:32:00.000-06:00

Today I got the chance to sit down with Roberto, what a great opportunity this was. It was nice to see him and talk and just unload, it was nice to catch up. Most importantly it was just another nudge by God.

This week has already been full of "I've been an idiot lately" moments, and I'm coming to terms with this and so now it's time to turn back.

"You are not the only one who feels like the only one."

My Artwork

2006-12-06T19:53:00.000-06:00

Dawn Approaches

2006-12-02T01:52:00.000-06:00

Settle down young ones, it is time we look to the sky. A velvet structure of violet streches in an all encompassing fashion as we gaze into the Sun. It is the young who must rise and become the architects of dawn to construct a new life out of the darkness.

What becomes of our souls when they die to become new? Do they linger in our bodies causing the stench of rotting death to envelope our new souls? I often wonder when this heart of mine will be able to find solace from the destruction that my darkness brings upon it. Hope has been seen. I have seen light in a friendship that constantly heals me though the recovery is often within. I welcome this newness, this rising sun, this dawn. A great and perfect Light has embraced me, and now I must shed the frightening decay within me to rise into His favor. It is time to become young in the faith again, and allow the age of the world pass from me, this is our new beginning together, let us craft an invulnerable tower to break us from the earth.

"We look up, and were squinting at the sun, we lay back into the grass to feel relief."
-"Dawn Architects" by Wax on Radio

A now for something completely personal...

2006-11-07T00:11:00.000-06:00

What a crazy life this is. As of recently I've come to question everything I've chosen in life, I've come to realize how different things are, how much better some things are and how much worse other things are...that's life.

It hurts me to know that the best friendship I've ever had in my entire life and the most influential one may be growing thin for one reason or another, but I believe it's just one of those things that happens in life...people change and people grow apart, but I hope that I am wrong.

I wonder why God chose to let me be the way I am, and why I think the way I do, and why I am burdened with such heavy burdens as I am, and then I wonder if perhaps my choice to go to Judson was secondarily a hope to help me in a lot of my struggles to be surrounded by Godly mentors in a more accountable environment, but if that was a reason I am okay with that. subsequently i now need to understand that the school cant be the only source of healing, that God needs to be the source, but I'm having trouble with faith...I could really use a lot of prayer.

What if I wind up like my dad, working a low-end job, barely supporting my family, marrying the wrong person, or not getting married at all, ending up alone...I'd go crazy by myself because I have grown to be a person of affection...but what if it ends up like that...what do i do? I wanna be able to have a family and support them in ways I was never supported...through love, activities if they wanna do em, I wanna be able to give them the world and more, I want to know that my kids wont have to struggle to pay for everything themselves.

I really hope that for once in my whole life I can accomplish something really worthwhile...something stunning.

I really appreciate certain friends of mine, i mean i appreciate all my friends, but there are those that without them I would crash and burn.

It's only a few more months till I leave my house behind but not my home, I have no joy left here, no fondness for this place, I hate the thought of going home every day, if only I couldve been born a year earlier...if only.

Someday things will work out and be better, and maybe i wont wear a mask of lies to hide myself, and maybe ill come to appreciate who God has made me, but thats Someday and right now its just Today.

"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"

My Mix

2006-10-29T12:03:00.001-06:00

This is perhaps the most well collaborated mix ive ever put together, not just the songs are perfect but their order and the feel of the CD as it goes.

The End-My Chemical Romance
Butterflies and Hurricanes-Muse
Dead Cliche-Street to Nowhere
Today I Became a Realist-Wax On Radio
1979-Smashing Pumpkins
Styrofoam Plates-Death Cab for Cutie
Hey There Delilah-Plain White T's
Dark Blue-Jack's Mannequin
Stay-Lisa Loeb
Somebody to Love-Queen
Here Without You-3 Doors Down
Hung Up-Madonna
Crash and Burn-Savage Garden
Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd
This Time Imperfect-AFI
All Systems Red-Calexico
Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis-Brand New
Dawn Architects-Wax On Radio

The End is the Beginning etc.

2006-10-27T01:03:00.000-05:00

Lost in time and place, inconsistent in creation, he sat alone whispering. Whispering. Long strands of eloquent soliloquies of the ambiguity of time came pouring from the mute man's mouth. From burning tongues to crystalline stars, man's destiny became clear, his purpose was to die. Even as the man recited grand orations his age whitered as tree with no water, and in the midst of the beginning came the climax of humanity as the man collapsed gasping. The broken lips of the prophet let loose one last flutter of brilliance, the man's one true destination for all, one word that could crumble continents. "Love."

A Tapestry

2006-10-15T01:22:00.000-05:00

The dreamers look to the sky
And gasp;
In the twilight that glazed their eyes,
They saw forever
And took a breath.
Where are we?
The stars cascade across a
Darkened canvas.
Watercolors spread themselves
In intricacy
As two in love lean in
To bind eternity in a glimpse.
We are infinite in design,
But destructive in our
Fragile falling shards
Of fantasy that
Break our hearts to bleed
Into each other.

Hundred Year Storm- Yesterday We Had It All

2006-10-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

Be.

2006-10-07T01:18:00.000-05:00

Be quiet,
you might hear my mask shatter.
Be still,
you might feel my foundation shake.
Be patient,
you might misunderstand me.
Be strong,
you might fight against me.
Be loving,
you might see me hurt.
Be wise,
you might need to guide me.
Be beautiful,
you might see my ugly.
Be truthful,
you might be lied to.
Be rough,
you might need to mold me.
Be there,
I might need you.

A Bit of My Thoughts...I Hope People Read My Blog Hehe

2006-10-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

So it has become aware to me that I need to understand that I am not a revolutionist, I need to understand that I don't want to change the world, and I also understand that it needs to be okay if my friends do. Awhile ago I was asked to join a couple friends in Europe after college and in my head I thought "hey what a cool idea" but as I continue to move further towards college and real life I realize that I don't want to live this revolutionary bohemian lifestyle in Europe. Short of winning an oscar or even producing a widely released movie, I'd be happy just getting married, having kids, working at an advertising agency in the city, commuting every day, and coming back home to wife and kids and living the comfortable American dream with the woman and children I love, I don't want to be roaming everywhere, at least not from where I stand right now. There is only one thing I want out of life and that is to love, and love deeply, and if I have that then everything else can crash and burn around me.

Don't get me wrong people. I would love to be able to create a story so profound that it touches just one person's life, and even more I'd love to be able to live out my dream of making visual stories come to life without worrying about whether or not I can get another job doing it, but if thats not in the cards then I'm learning to be okay with that.

It hurts sometimes to think that the friendships I've tried building are always overshadowed by someone elses friendship to that person, and it hurts to know that by going to Judson and seperating and putting more distance between me and the ones i love will make our friendship grow more difficult.

Sometime life hurts, but in the end it's okay.

I hope and pray I can go off to school and make friendships that become as dear to me as the people I'll be leaving behind, but for now I can make the best of the rest of our time together.

I would now like to post lyrics to the song Crash and Burn by Savage Garden:

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

And now a quote I've come to really appreciate for some reason:

"Why do people have to die?"
"To make life important."

90's Nostalgia...Take a Whiff

2006-09-29T18:41:00.000-05:00

So tonight I got into a very angsty mood which led me to turn on Glycerine by Bush which subsequently led to a long string a 90s grunge music and then just 90s music, and then a facebook group about the 90s. That was a pretty darn good decade...everything seemed really peaceful, most of barely heard of anything outside our small child worlds but now i hear little children talking about how they hate Bush and letting off string of foul language, kids today grow up too fast, the 90s kids had it all man, id hate to be a young child nowadays. Boo.

"hang my head, drown my fear
till you all just disappear.
blackhole sun, wont you come
wash away the rain."

Magnolia Propaganda!

2006-09-19T20:31:00.000-05:00

EVERYONE MUST SEE MY NUMBER 1 MOVIE MAGNOLIA!

Judson: The Second Visit

2006-09-16T21:44:00.000-05:00

So yesterday my parents and I traveled north to the fine town of Elgin, Illinois to visit the ever beautiful institution of Judson College. This was really quite exciting for me because my parents had never seen the school and only knew what I had told them, so I desperately wanted them to love this place, and at the same time I was excited because on my last visit I didn't get quite a tour of the insides of some the more important buildings to me and knew I would this time. Anyways. So we arrive, park in the parking lot behind the Lindner Fitness Center and walk to Barton House to meet up with Brandon Estrada, my admissions counselor. It was cool because while waiting for Brandon I was able to see Holly Riemer, my former admissions counselor who I had worked with for the past year until they got switched around and I got Brandon who is equally as cool. Brandon and my parents were able to talk for a short time before we headed over to Herrick Chapel for chapel. The guy that was speaking was Mike Yankowski who wrote a book titled Under the Overpass. Mike and his friend decided to live like homeless people for 6 weeks and then wrote a book about it, it was a really cool service, my dad was VERY impressed which was a huge plus. After chapel we headed over to the CPO for lunch where we met up with Jeremy Espersen and had a nice meal. Then it was time to head back to Barton House to meet up with Sondra the student who was to give us our tour. I dont know if I can outline the precise course of the tour but ill give my highlights. on the tour i was finally able to see the fitness center which was quite nice and I'm glad Judson has it...I plan to make use of it. We also went through the Fine Arts building, which I had already seen and still love, but am all the more excited for the new Weber Center when that opens next fall. Of course I love the outside of Volkman hall with the beautiful pond and fountain and gazebo, and then it was time to see the inside of Wilson Hall. This was probably my favorite part of the tour, because when I had stayed with Jeremy last spring he was residing in Lindner, which is only open to transfer, international, and sophomore+ students so I hadn't seen where I was gonna be my first year.
Wilson was by no means disappointing, I was finally able to understand why someone would wanna live in there beyond freshman year when they could choose to live in Lindner, a former hotel. The last big highlight on the tour was to see the brand new 30-inch apple monitors in the media lab on 3rd floor lindner!!! Truly a sight of beauty :-D . At the end of the tour we went back to Barton House, met up with Brandon, i got my free awesome judson shirt, and we went home. My parents both loved the college and couldn't be happier that that's the place I've chosen.

I Cannot Express How Much...

2006-09-16T01:34:00.000-05:00

I wanna be at Judson

I Hate work

I love the art department at BHS

Fun hanging out with my friends is.

I'll miss my friends come next fall.

butt God kicks with my future, what he's showing me right now is just a glimpse, and I can't wait.

movies rock.

I Couldn't be More Excited.

2006-09-11T16:32:00.000-05:00

I GOT INTO JUDSON!!!!!!!

A New Road

2006-09-07T16:04:00.000-05:00

I made it! I am Paramedic 2 in Fahrenheit 451...sure it's not a big role, but it is a role! I am so excited! I've never done anything quite like this. oh hoorah.

Tomorrow I apply to Judson College. :-D

What a wonderful week this has been. I don't even care that I have to work tonight, I'm too happy to care...and too tired.

WOOO!

EDIT:
I got in a car accident...major bummer.
however if my insurance sky rockets im gonna get rid of the car, which in a way (as long asi have rides) is a great thing because that means no money to insurance or gas

I Got Chills, They're Multiplyin'

2006-08-31T22:47:00.000-05:00

Next Wednesday I will be trying out for my school's fall play, Fahrenheit 451, I am extremely nervous, but have received much encouragement from my fellow thespians. Here I go. I'm hoping with every fiber of my being to get Beatty. :-D

One Week In and I'm Still Alive

2006-08-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

School is now one week in and my classes are alright, Earth and Space Science is...ridiculously easy, I haven't had more than 5 minutes of homework total, this should be a nice year.

I grabbed my transcripts yesterday, next week I will send in my application to Judson College...I feel kinda bad because one of my teachers wrote up a reccomendation for me but I don't need it if I get into Judson. I have been letting the future dance around me lately, just thinking of the late night fun in Wilson Hall and wandering down the river late at night and studying out on the lawns of Judson...but i am here right now.

I am struggling to live in the now.

The fall play at Bolingbrook HS is Fahrenheit 451...can we say WOO! This will be my first time trying out for a play in high school and its Fahrenheit 451...HOW WICKED SWEET COULD THIS BE!

I think I'm finally getting things right with God again. This is much better than wandering aimlessly. much better.

Project Runway is possibly the best show I've ever watched on TV...and there is a new episode tonight...GO KAYNE!

"We live in a wheel where everyone steals and when we rise it's like strawberry fields."

Don't you wish I would just choose a college?

2006-08-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

So it has come to my attention that I cannot decide on a college because recently I have begun pondering about my life after college. I have come to realize I need to make sure I can get a job after college, and majoring in film so specifically at Columbia may or may not offer that security. I then really wanted to double major at Columbia in film and management, but I hate business...or rather it is not something I wanna do with my life, and Columbia does not offer a double major. So then I begin to think a little more about Judson College again...yes I can hear your groaning already...and realized im take 3 art classes both semesters this year, and have now decided that this first semester will make my decision for me, if I prove apt and gifted at my fine arts classes and love 'em then I am will go to Judson College and double major in Film* and Fine Arts Education therefore providing me with an education degree and a film degree. If I prove crappy at my art classes and find it to be a lost cause then off to Columbia I will go pursuing a very indepth education in film. I think that sounds like a plan.

*the major at judson is actually called Media Studies with a concentration in Media Creation/Production and then I'd also minor in Film Studies.

Today we die to rise up tomorrow as new souls.

2006-08-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

Today is my final day of freedom and half of it will be spent working and the other half doing laundry, but hopefully I'll be able to slip in a movie, specifically the movie Millions. I have a lot of apprehension about starting school tomorrow, but more so it's exciting because I'M ALMOST DONE with high school...the 4 most painful years of my young life. I also got a raise at work and went from 6.91 an hour to 7.32 an hour, wooo! Today I will also get my car back, yet another wooo! I'm a little flustered that I won't have a new outfit to wear to the first day of school haha. I think I will buy a yearbook this year...the first time in all of highschool, i never understood why I'd wanna remember these horrible years, but I think I do now...maybe. I look forward to getting my teachers to write up my reccomendations :-D and I'm really looking forward to my AP Art History class.

Things at TSM seem to be very shaky right now as we lose a few students who have been here during this hard and frustrating phase in our church and youth group, and I constantly wonder where our youth group will be if we let it continue to slip into cliques like it's doing...but then there is a part of me that says oh well because I'll be at college next year...and i hate doing that, but it's the truth. It definitely wouldnt hurt to hire a youth pastor soon. a good one though. for the sake of the young'ns in the group.

For some strange reason I'm glad trevor and curtis are back from their hike thing...even though t-rev isnt home, but at least now I can call him and email him...i dunno, thats cool to me...guess im weird.

I wish i had gotten more movies under my belt this summer.

I would like to officially delcare this as the first summer that I didn't waste most of my time thanks to a job and my film class. hooray.

Alright well I need to get dressed and go get my car and then go to work and then come home and eat dinner and do laundry and watch a movie and go to bed at a reasonable hour and set like 6 alarms. See ya.

Smiley

2006-08-19T00:38:00.000-05:00

I was able to track down a ticket for brock and he was able to come to the show with me tonight.

Anathallo=AMAZING live, one of the most unique performances...unique and awesome.
Street to Nowhere=very good musicians and an amazing vocalist, i bought their CD
The Format=Catchy and fun.
Rainer Maria=hurt my ears so bad i had to leave the floor.

Had a wonderful night, and I hope brock did as well.

The Way Things Work Isn't How They Are Planned

2006-08-16T15:36:00.000-05:00

It seems lately that I can't do anything right. I seem to annoy people, and I seem to be a screw-up, everything seems to be falling apart and I can't do anything about it. If only everything worked out like it does in the movies, if our time could fly by in a hour and 30 minutes at which point we reach a sense of contentment and understanding of life. Too bad it isn't like that at all.

I'm so excited for the college students who get to leave and move on to a new part of life, how exciting it must be for them.

Today I imagined what moving day will be like for me going to college, I can just see my parents walking out the door of my room and me just laying on my bed, smiling, knowing that I won't have to be in this house for a few months at a time.

Last night I had a dream where I told-off and expressed all my resentments and frustrations to someone(who i will not mention for the sake of being bashed or whatever) and I feel like it gave me some closure even though it was just to an imaginary form of this person.

I've screwed a lot up. Boy, oh boy.

"Oh captain, my captain."

The Sun Will Shine Out the Rain

2006-08-12T00:32:00.000-05:00

So I found out today that I am going to be going to the Anathallo show by myself. This at first greatly distressed me...but ya know what, I'm gonna go, I have to, I wouldn't dare miss this chance to see Anathallo. I'll miss having someone there to ooo and ahh to, but that's alright.

Sometimes it kinda stinks when you get to hang out with someone a lot when someone else is gone and you think "hey, we got a really good friendship going" and then when the other person comes back you begin to feel like a thirdwheel again. yeah that stinks.

Little Miss Sunshine=smiles.

We Pack Our Bags and Move to New Horizons

2006-08-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my final day of class and I already miss it and the people. Hopefully life will lead some of us back together.
In a couple weeks I will walk back in the doors of Bolingbrook High School for my final year. I plan to make this an enjoyable year. A few weeks later I will apply to Columbia College in Chicago, but not as a full fledged film major, I am going to design my own major which will be somewhere along the lines of Film and Advertising Design or Film and Media Management, but regardless it'll be sweet.

This is my film group, we just wrapped on our final film, from the left its John, me, Carrie, and Bob. I miss them already.

huh.

2006-08-09T06:19:00.000-05:00

It's weird to think that for just this one class I spend a good half of my day goingthere, sitting there, and traveling home...i leave at 630 and get back around 3 in the afternoon...for one class. I am definitely glad that today is the final day. Yes I loved this class, and yes I'll miss my classmates, but I want sleep and I want some more summer vacation before high school starts back up again. I want sleep so badI almost missed my alarm this morning. Oh well, I think Ill be home early again today...maybe...but it doesnt matter because I don't work tonight.

BHS registration is slightly less painful than hell.

2006-08-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

So here is my schedule with commentary:

1. Strength/Conditioning-Kichka--GREAT another semester of first hour gym with the world's biggest idiot as a teacher, maybe this year he won't come in with a hangover.

2. Ceramics I- Randecker--Was originally supposed to be Color and Design but thanks to the wonderful counselors at BHS it got screwed up so I chose to put Ceramics in. At least it's with Randecker who ROCKS.

3. AP Art History-Beasley-Hendrick-- SWEET!

4a. Homeroom-Benja--Whatever.

4b. Lunch--at least devin's in it.

5. Drawing Media-Beasley-Hendrick--great...another class with her.

6. AP English 12-Abney--HOORAY, i love this guy.

7. Earth and Space Science-Wayne--cool, a science class Ill actually understand with a likeable teacher.

Along with screwing up one of the classes I was really looking forward to, my ID is also screwed up, I am supposed to have "gold card" privelages, but it doesnt say it so now I need to go get that fixed, luckily I have to turn in my parking permit thing.

took about an hour or little longer to register...and I didn't even stop at all the stations. Welcome back to Bolingbrook High School where students go to kill their dreams. I am going to miss columbia very dearly. Oh well, I suppose we must make the best of things right? right.

All things relevant.

2006-08-08T06:46:00.000-05:00

I had this dream last night where I was at the mall and all of a sudden I see Alex and Curtis walking past a window, I leave the store to talk to them and here comes Gail and Trevor, at first I am overwhelmed at the site of these 4 wonderful people but then I begin to become angry because why would they all hang out and not call me to come, why would Trevor not tell me he was coming home for a while. I was very angry and hurt and then when I began asking why Trevor and Curtis were here Jess appeared and told me to stop talking so then I went out into the parking lot and bashed up my car out of frustration and hurt and anger and then drove to Alex's house. At Alex's house I confronted him about the matter and he said he was sorry but that he was getting back at me for something that I'm still confused about, and then he spilled a dish of plastic eggs and one was a balloon and then my alarm went off. weird.

I should be able to register for my final year of high school today. o boy.

Class will be completely and totally pointless for me to attend today but when your parents pay 450 smackeroos for one class you'd better show up for even the pointless days.

I now have a nice goatee growing.

A Very Adolescent Post

2006-08-06T21:36:00.000-05:00

It stinks to not have a girlfriend and see tons of other people with them. It also really stinks that a girl you like is a different age than you and probably has none of the same feelings. It also stinks that I am known from my anti-high school dating philosophy. Put all this together and it means that I am sad to be alone but the girl I like probably just likes me as a friend, but even if it was possible I couldn't act on my crush because I would then receive criticism for my weakness. O well.

I MADE IT

2006-08-02T15:14:00.000-05:00

So I made it into the showcase!!! So now everyone is once again invited next wednesday to come...more details to come later on. Thanks goes out to my parents, my neighbor Kathy, Steven, Adam, Sarah H., and Sarah R. for coming, it really meant a lot to me to have you guys there supporting. Ok, well I figured I would tell you guys that, just in case you couldn't make it this time around, but would like to come.

Wowzers

2006-07-31T21:51:00.000-05:00

So God has once again shown me His love of the small things. I am now attending the Six Flags trip and by no means of my own finances..someone...i dunno who...but someone is paying for me and providing me with spending money. this wasnt even something I prayed on, God just gave it to me...and I am totally undeserving but so thankful for this blessing...i now get to hang out with the second coolest age group of kids...FRESHMEN!!!!

Summer Nights and Baby Rabbits

2006-07-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

August begins very soon.
In August I will end my class, I will show my film, I will register for my senior year, I will go to Great America, I will say good-bye to my college friends, I will see Anathallo, I will begin my final year of highschool. This school year I will lift weights, I will explore art in a deeper way, I will turn 18, I will get into Columbia College in Chicago, I will get a roommate, I will take 3 AP tests, I will take close to no finals, I will hang out with my few good friends from school, and I will graduate.

But it is not yet August, and it is not yet the school year.

I cherish these summer nights where we just hang out and be with each other and know that no matter how different TSM becomes from when we first loved it, we still have each other. Even though things have changed and that doesnt feel so nice, it does feel good to know that we are growing up and are on the verge of life...real life.

I miss trevor and alex as they are away in England...and I'm gonna miss t-bone even more when he heads back to school later this week or next. I also hate thinking about the fact that Alex and I are going to be in different places when college rolls around and how much I'm gonna miss that kid. I guess life is like that though...we move on. I plan to visit trevor and curtis at school sometime this year. it feels like high school isnt even anything anymore, just something standing between me and college.

Well I will leave you with these lyrics by Good Charlotte...yes I know "Boo Good Charlotte" but I like this song.

When I think about my life
I wonder if I will survive
To live to see 25
Or will I just fall?
Like all my friends
They just keep dying
People round me
Always crying
In this place that I like to
Call my home
But not everybody knows
That everybody goes
To a better place
And not everybody knows
That everybody could be living their last days
But the hard times will come
and we'll keep movin' on
We're moving on
Keep movin' on
Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!
On without the things we've lost
The things we gained
We'll take with us
And all I've got
Are these two hands
To make myself
A better man, I
Wonder if I'll ever see the end of this
With all this rain
It just keeps falling
On my head
And now I'm calling
Out to someone else
To help me make it through
But not everybody knows
That everybody goes
To a better place
And not everybody knows
That everybody could be living their last days
But the hard times will come
and we'll keep movin' on
We're moving on
Keep movin' on
Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!
Pain!
Hate!
Lies!
Guilt!
Laugh!
Cry!
Live!
Die!
Some friends become enemies
Some friends become your family
Make the best with what your given
This ain't dying!
This is living!
Said we're movin' on
And we got nothing to prove to anyone
Cuz we'll get through
We're movin' on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and
Keep movin' on!
Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!
Pain!
Hate!
Lies!
Guilt!
Laugh!
Cry!
Live!
Die!
Some friends become enemies
Some friends become your family
Make the best with what your given
This ain't dying
This is living!!!

Almost Done

2006-07-24T15:40:00.000-05:00

School is almost over.

Shot my film today, all i need to do is just edit it, then the final exam and my film is DONE!

August 2, 2006 there is a chance to come see it at 10a.m. in room 705 at the 1104 S. Wabash building...PLEASE tell me you'll come, it would mean the world to me if you came. I can give you directions and train times should you need them.

Just a quick post.

2006-07-22T02:05:00.000-05:00

So this will be a quick little post but I just need to tell the world to ignore the critics and go see Lady in the Water right now!!!!

also for curtis' information Something Wicked This Way Comes is a spectacular book by Ray Bradbury about coming to terms with life and mortality.

Excerpt from a Script I'm Working On

2006-07-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL-FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS-NIGHT

SAMUEL sits on the bleachers looking at the winter night sky, his eyes close as a snowflake falls in one. FAITH looks at Samuel from across the field and walks towards him. As Faith approaches Samuel's eyes are still closed, she climbs into the bleachers and sits next to him. Her hand rests on his, her head rests on her shoulders as she looks out on the snow blanketed field. Samuel grabs her hand as it rests on his, he doesn't open his eyes.

Samuel: When I open my eyes will you still be there?

Faith: Yes.

Samuel: Good, I like you being here.

Samuel squeezes Faith's hand and opens his eyes, but continues to look at night sky.

Samuel: It'll be okay, right?

Samuel finally looks at Faith, she lifts her head from his shoulder. She looks out into the snow, a tear falls.

Faith: Yeah, it'll be okay.

Samuel wipes her tear away. Faith boasts a large smile and then smacks Samuel with a snowball and jumps onto the field. Samuel stands up and follows her, laughing for the first time. The two of them play in the field throwing snowballs, the credits then begin to roll over them.
The initial credits end as the two lay in the snow and make snow angels.

Samuel(in a barely audible whisper): I love you.

OKAY, so thats it, its an initial draft of the final sequence of a very intense film, now just picture Quicksand by Sleeping at Last playing or maybe Blackout by Muse, and youll have a good feel of the scene.

So it Goes...

2006-07-19T21:22:00.000-05:00

I have been anticipating the end of the summer for some time now, I wanted my class to come and now i just want it to end so i can sleep and then school will start and before i know it senior year will be over. I didnt really think about the fact that at the end of the summer I lose some good friends for a few months, heck in like 3 weeks a close friend will be gone. I have a lot to look forward to in this coming year, but I am afraid a little of college. o h well.

My goal is to be different than the world..different than teen culture..in every way, and to be like God in as many ways.

By the way, Michael Buble is extremely entertaining, as is Muse.

Hallelujah

2006-07-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

The Lord our God has given me peace, the sea is still.

I haven't fallen into depression like that for awhile, but when I have I haven't recovered as quick so hey, progress.

Let all things their creator bless,
and worship Him in humbleness.
Oh praise Him hallelujah,
praise praise the Father, praise the Son
and praise the spirit three in one.
Oh praise Him, Oh praise Him,
Hallelujah.

That is one of my most favorite hymns.

God has been so good to me, and home is where the heart is and my heart is still here in bolingbrook, in naperville, in trinity, and in TSM, I am where I'm at for God's purpose.

He is faithful. Amen.

Escape.

2006-07-17T16:36:00.000-05:00

I want to leave. I cannot wait until college when I can leave this home and this life and begin completely fresh, I can be whoever I want to be.

I feel so ugly...I wish I were skinny or ripped or something...but im this.

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I sat behind two kids my age on the train today and had to listen to them talk about their sex lives. I wanted to puke. why is our teenage culture so sexually distracted?

I'm tired of all of this.

Perhaps next time I post I won't be emo er anything.

When Does a Home Stop Being a Home?

2006-07-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: This post may seem really emotional, but it is a heartfelt post.

Sometimes people say some really hurtful things, things that are just blurted out without any thought behind the leverage of the words that carry to my ear. It hurts, a lot, but at the same time I know I've said some ridiculously callous and ignorant things and I hate that I've done that.

I've always felt TSM was a home to me, but I feel like such an idiot sometimes, like that I'm not saying the right things and that people just want me to shut up. I sometimes just wanna find a dark corner to hide in and escape from everyone. Maybe this place was never my home, just a refuge for a storm, but perhaps I'm supposed to be in that storm, perhaps I'm losing my shelter.

I feel ridiculous

A lot of the time I am wrong...in everything.

I feel so out of control. I wish I had an "accountability partner" someone to just always be there, sure I've got close friends, but I need something deeper, and something consistent.

There are only a few people who never hurt me.

Where am I going? I am afraid right now. It's okay to be emotional sometimes.

Right now I just want to break.

Our sin will find us out.

I would really like to just be held by someone, I've forgotten the human touch.

My heart aches.

I want to be nonexistent--not suicidally, but I just wanna disappear. I want to be missed. I wanna come back and feel loved all over again.

I need a hug...a truly loving embrace to just hold me until i break.

God give me peace...a storm has come.

Anticipating the Storm

2006-07-15T19:01:00.000-05:00

The lightning flashes. Wind blows quietly through the trees. We stand on the verge of something powerful, of something frightening. In the stillness our eyes swell up with streams of regret, we are gray in the shadow of a gathering cloud. Hold still butterfly, your wings cause storms. We are not ready. Our lungs pull the oxygen from the air, and we are crushed in anticipation for a concussion. Innocence cries but no one looks, we are distracted by a beautiful destruction. Holding hands we close our eyes and look to the sweltering dark. The storm has come. We search for the light.