A now for something completely personal...

What a crazy life this is. As of recently I've come to question everything I've chosen in life, I've come to realize how different things are, how much better some things are and how much worse other things are...that's life.

It hurts me to know that the best friendship I've ever had in my entire life and the most influential one may be growing thin for one reason or another, but I believe it's just one of those things that happens in life...people change and people grow apart, but I hope that I am wrong.

I wonder why God chose to let me be the way I am, and why I think the way I do, and why I am burdened with such heavy burdens as I am, and then I wonder if perhaps my choice to go to Judson was secondarily a hope to help me in a lot of my struggles to be surrounded by Godly mentors in a more accountable environment, but if that was a reason I am okay with that. subsequently i now need to understand that the school cant be the only source of healing, that God needs to be the source, but I'm having trouble with faith...I could really use a lot of prayer.

What if I wind up like my dad, working a low-end job, barely supporting my family, marrying the wrong person, or not getting married at all, ending up alone...I'd go crazy by myself because I have grown to be a person of affection...but what if it ends up like that...what do i do? I wanna be able to have a family and support them in ways I was never supported...through love, activities if they wanna do em, I wanna be able to give them the world and more, I want to know that my kids wont have to struggle to pay for everything themselves.

I really hope that for once in my whole life I can accomplish something really worthwhile...something stunning.

I really appreciate certain friends of mine, i mean i appreciate all my friends, but there are those that without them I would crash and burn.

It's only a few more months till I leave my house behind but not my home, I have no joy left here, no fondness for this place, I hate the thought of going home every day, if only I couldve been born a year earlier...if only.

Someday things will work out and be better, and maybe i wont wear a mask of lies to hide myself, and maybe ill come to appreciate who God has made me, but thats Someday and right now its just Today.

"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"