I Started a Joke
A lonely man's mind stirs dangerously. Perhaps I am meant to be alone, not without God, but without people, I can't ever seem to keep a good thing going, I have to screw everything up and push people away and complain and whine and talk about myself. Maybe I need to be alone, with people I am a destructive person, the time bomb in the room, set off at the most random of incidents. That's me. I don't know how I can ever have a wife or even a steady girlfriend if I can't keep my friends from tiring of me. This isn't how things were promised, maybe I am wrong, gosh, I don't know. Sometimes I wish people would go away and I could shut myself away with my art because my art cannot grow tired of me, nor I of it. I don't want people to console me because honestly no one ever has helped and I doubt a stupid "o, i'm not tired of you" is gonna do anything especially when some people that read this blog couldnt tell you the first thing about me, and to be fair I couldnt tell you the first thing about them. Maybe this is my way of saying good-bye to this piece of crap life in bolingbrook, but maybe I'm just being emotional. Leave me alone. I am tired of people who could care less about me, but keep me around for some "good" company. Screw that. I am tired of just being there and being ignored or being there and put on the spot, I just want to fit in, but maybe I haven't found the right place to fit. I try my hardest to care for the people I love unconditionally, I really do try, but its so hard when its not returned. At the end of it all I am beyond glad that God is not human, that he is capable of loving unconditionally and never tires of His people.
posted by Midnight Vagabond @ 9:47 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Okay. I'm a little pissed.
Just because you were whiny tonight didn't mean I didn't want you around. Everybody gets whiny, especially when they've had a frustrating day, like you had. And just because I think it's dumb to be excited to be so close to members of a band doesn't mean I think you're dumb or whatever. It's just a little pet peeve of mine (I have lots of them), and plenty of people get excited to be close to people in bands. I would have said the same things to anyone, not just you.
I was definitely disappointed when I realized that you had went straight to your car from mine and left without saying a word. I would have very much liked for you to stick around.
Just because I'm sometimes irritable doesn't mean I get tired of you. I'm like that with everyone, so don't take it personally.
Oh, and you mentioned talking about yourself. I never notice you focusing on yourself too much. Don't worry about that.
You need to not take every single small incident as a direct indicator of where a friendship is at. For example, Taylor and I have had a very rough past. There have been points where I have literally yelled at him and said pretty horrible things to his face. But we got past that, and are still great friends.
When Zach gets on my drums and starts playing, even when I've told him not to, and I get extremely frustrated and go over and punch him then kick him out of my room, that doesn't mean I don't like him.
When Alex scratches his butt on our counters which we put food on and I call him a complete idiot and make him wash it, that doesn't mean I don't like him.
You need to learn that just because I get annoyed or frustrated, or whatever, it doesn't mean I don't want you around.
You're one of my best friends, Danny. Stop freaking out so much and just realize that I like you, no matter what my mood is.
what's the joke?
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