Inhaling Thrills Through Twenty Dollar Bills
Sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is God or Satan or just me. A lot of the time I'm sure its God, but right now I don't know. Things seem to be falling apart, I stand the in the middle of a room and shout, but no one seems to hear. How can something that has lasted so long end so abruptly and without notice. No one cares because they can't see it and they tell me I'm just depressed, but I'm not, I can't help but notice this one. Where is God in this situation? Why do I continue to write on this blog, no one reads it, but I guess I hope someone might and take pity on me. I'm a leech, but then maybe we all are in one way or another. All I want is to be noticed when I enter a room and talked to, but maybe not. "The indecision of a child, ladies and germs," to quote Jimmy Gator of Magnolia. I ache and moan, and rejoice in knowing no one who hurt me this year or last year or the year before will follow me to Judson but then I realize this will all start again with new people. Maybe I should just bury myself in something and cut myself off from friends, family, church, job, etc. Sigh. The indecision of me.
Been working for the Church
While your life falls apart
Singin’ hallelujah with the fear in your heart.
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home.
-Intervention by The Arcade Fire
posted by Midnight Vagabond @ 2:31 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Whenever I see you in church I come talk to you. And I know I'm not the only one. I know this phrase has become an overused line but "you are loved" danny. And although I haven't seen alot of the movies you like to talk about I still enjoy talking to you about movies, games, and the occassional TV show. By the way I read this thing.
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nah, not rediculous. just honest. i understand you. i wish i had words to encourage you, but i'm in a very similar situation myself. perhaps we can pray for one another instead. i find that when I'm honest with God about how I'm feeling, the answer comes more readily.
also, people cope in different ways.
I did read this, but I'm hoping to talk with you later rather than leave more of a comment than this.
jeez Danny, when are you going to stop doing this.
The ONLY thing that I don't like about you is that you let yourself believe crap like this.
First of all, do note that it is easier to withdraw from social activities than it is to become social after being withdrawn. Being alone has its benefits, and so does being with others. Your decision to choose between the two is not about your whole life but about case by case. Therefore, I suggest that you be on a default mode of social and withdraw when you need it. Then, you need not be indecisive, for it is much easier to determine whether you would prefer introvertedness or extrovertedness on a case-by-case basis.
Now, as for this cycle of hurt. You say that you will inevitably start all this again with new people at Judson. With that, I disagree. "The end of a matter is better than its beginning" (Ecclesiastes 7:8). If you make no progress, if you do not grow whatsoever, then the blood of Christ is wasted on you. The Lord grows His children in all areas of their lives. Yet He has chosen you. Is not your eternal life proof of your continued progress?
Become what you are.
This, too, shall pass.
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