I Sing the Body Electric, I Celebrate the Me Yet to Come

In thinking about my last post I realized there were a great number of people I did not mention and that is because it is impossible to name every person who has influenced me greatly this year, but I want anyone and everyone who reads this to know that I love them. Even if I don't know you I love you.
Tonight was a farewell party for a guy at my school named Gerald. He works in student development and was my mission project leader. This man is an incredible person. He has one of the largest hearts and greatest gifts for leadership I have seen in a person. In many ways he is connected in reality and in my head to Rob, my former youth pastor. Gerald was the youth pastor at the church Rob now teaches at, and Gerald has met him in various occasions, as well as Gerald now works at the school Rob graduated from. In a lot of ways they are similar in personality. Gerald, however, is unique in his ability to love and care for everyone he meets. He is intuitive to hurt and oepn to action. He is hilarious and makes any situation 99% less awkward, and still knows when to draw the line at being serious and submissive. He has taught me and cared for me ina lot of ways in a short time, and it was very hard to say good-bye. This made me think of all the people I am meeting now, especially in upper classes, that as the years go by I will say a pretty substantial good-bye to. This is what I call the curse of college: we build relationships like none we've had before and every year we are forced to let at least one of them go with the insecurity that we may never see them again. This made me very sad. It also made me realize that I am more responsible now than ever for building strong foundations, developing great abilities at long distance correspondence, and putting selfishness aside and spurring others on to their goals. After all I love these people and will do what it takes to stay in touch.
On a side note from Gerald's party I suppose some of you are unaware of my current conflict on changing my major. It has been a long process of thought and prayer and talking. It will continue to be so. However, all BS aside, I am considering changing my major to Visual Art Education to teach art at the middle school level. You see, I could explain in an hour some of my thoughts on this and it still wouldnt be a complete thought process, however I will try to explain as much as possible here. When coming to Judson I was already considering an education major over film production. Since beinghere I have often and frequently rethought where my passion lies as to whether I wanna make movies or just like watching them. It has been tough but I think I just enjoy the storytelling. I love watching and critiquing movies, but I don't know that I would want to make one. I also continue to think about how much joy I got from working with jr. highers in the youth group at trinity, and how much I love my younger cousins and other kids. I think about my gift of leadership and how that factors in, and here comes the most substantial part of my conflicting decision. During the mission project we did a time of encouragement where we all sat and encouraged each other focusing on one another, and it was there that a couple people I deeply respect told me I have the gift of encouragement. One of them told me it was truly unique in me. I was shocked. since then others have continued to mention it. I began to realized I was more a fan of pushing my friends on in their endeavors than embarking on my own, and then in a conversation with Ben I was told that as a teacher he could see me changing kids lives. Wow. That is a lot to take for me. I have never had people tell me that. So i figured the best way to put this into action is to be a teacher. I bring this up with Gerald's party because while I was there I was talking with this girl Ashley and she had mentioned how even though sometime she is frustrated with her current major sociology she came in as an accounting major. She explained that it was the people and community and openness of Judson that helped challenge and mold her and teach her that her original plans were not for her. I began thinking of how I almost went to Columbia where I would have stuck with film production only to wind up miserable, but being here at Judson and by going on the mission project I have been able to nurture and discover my gifts and passions. The last factor will be working at camp this summer. If I cannot stand working with kids by the end then no ed. major for me, but if i can't get enough then I will be sure where God's plan for me lies. Either way I am excited to see where I am at down the road, like my title says I celebrate the me yet to come. God is working all over and I hope I can be a testament to that in my simple, finite life.

More end of year thoughts to come...if you're reading comments would be nice.

What Can You Do With a Sentimental Heart?

I am sitting here on a couch in second floor lounge in Wilson Hall as my friend Robb sits here and talks to Josh. I am currently listening to Sentimental Heart by She and Him. The thought in my head: This is it. This is my home. This is the end...of the year. I would have never guessed months ago that I would have found such joy in this place and in these people. Yes I did guess I would find joy, but not in the way it has been given to me.
I still remember the first friday being here. I remember moving in and the giant flood outside of Wilson and Volkman Halls. I remember meeting my roommate and realizing that I was going to share all my space with him. I remember playing ultimate frisbee shirtless and thinking "thank God, I am home." Most importantly though I remember meeting Kyle. That night as I walked down the stairs of Wilson to head out to the field I met Kyle. We talked the whole way to the field, and I thought "I could really like this kid." Later that night I found out he is my suitemate. Soon I would find out he is my friend. Kyle is so different than me, he is quiet, super competitive, and patient, but that didn't stop us. He has pushed me to be more competitive, he has coached me and helped me appreciate sports. I have helped him understand art and creativity. Kyle is my friend.
Tonight I gave Kyle a huge hug and realized I wouldn't see him for 3 months. I also won't see my friend Mike for three months or my roomie of next year Richard. It hurts to say good-bye to people who you just want to continue knowing and learning about. It hurts to know that we will all have 3 months of changing between now and then. It hurts. However, I love these three guys, they're my guys. I wouldn't change what I have with any of them for anything.
The hardest good-bye will come when I have to say it to Ben. Ben started the year as an RA on my floor. He soon became my small-group leader. Then he became my friend. Soon after he became my accountability partner, and in the months to come he would become my lifeline. I have hardly known a friendship like Ben's in any way. I have never felt as honest and as unconditionally loved by anyone outside of my family as I have with Ben, in fact Ben knows more about me than anyone save for God. We started off our accountability with the typical stuff and as the year went by we hit some of the hardest bumps in my memory and in times of great darkness and selfishness he continued to reach back for me. When I could only find reasons to hurt him he took the blows, and in times when I needed it he made me feel like crap, but in a good way. He has allowed me to enter into his life as much as I have let him in mine. In the months following winter break I found myself in a slump of enormous depression. I sought out counseling and was diagnosed with clinical depression, and there were times even up until two weeks ago where I didn't know if I could hold on to this life, but Ben he covered me with love. Ben is my RA, my accountability partner, my friend, my lifeline, and more than anything else, he is my brother. I will miss him greatly over the summer.

This is all for now. I will continue to reflect over the rest of the week.