Run For Your Life

So lately I have wanted to get back to running and run off all the weight ive gained over the past couple years after my super run-a-thon summer and today i ran 1 and 3/4 miles, which is pretty good for a guy of my size and atheletecism, in lieu of my new motivation to run ive decided to post 3 pictures, 1 picture from before i started running, 1 picture from when i was running, and 1 from now after the weight has come back.

my not so good watercolor

Don't Make it Bad

Sorry.
Sorry to everyone I've accused and scorned.
Sorry for the lies I believed.
Sorry for being a jerk and looking for pity.
Sorry for not seeing your love.
Sorry.

Today and yesterday were good. Tomorrow will be better.

These are the things we learn and live.


And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na
-Hey Jude by The Beatles

I Don't Want to Live In My Father's House No More

The past couple of days have past by in slow motion. I take in the world around me and I feel sick and lonely. I have a hard time eating more than one meal anymore, I can't bring myself to work. None of this is because of anyone, its me, i have low self-esteem and constantly look to my friends for approval, but now I'm trying to do without friends, they dont need me, then I shouldnt need them right? I mean I socialize at school, but i leave it at school now. I'm so tired. All the time I'm tired. I can't sleep at night and then I can't wake up. Somedays I wanna die, not kill myself but just, ya know, die or cease to exist. I'm not suicidal nor do I contemplate it, but wouldnt it be nice to not have to deal with the confusion of things in life or the people. Sure I might be ridiculous, thats fine, its nothing you haven't called me before. People comment here but then they don't call or even talk on aim. Im so tired of pretense.


I don't want to hear the noises on TV
I don't want the salesmen coming after me
I don't want to live in my father's house no more

I don't want it faster, I don't want it free
I don't want to show you what they've done to me
I don't want to live in my father's house no more

I don't want to choose black or blue
I don't want to see what they've done to you
I don't want to live in my father's house no more

Because the tide is high
And it's rising still
And I don't want to see it at my windowsill
-Windowsill by The Arcade Fire

Inhaling Thrills Through Twenty Dollar Bills

Sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is God or Satan or just me. A lot of the time I'm sure its God, but right now I don't know. Things seem to be falling apart, I stand the in the middle of a room and shout, but no one seems to hear. How can something that has lasted so long end so abruptly and without notice. No one cares because they can't see it and they tell me I'm just depressed, but I'm not, I can't help but notice this one. Where is God in this situation? Why do I continue to write on this blog, no one reads it, but I guess I hope someone might and take pity on me. I'm a leech, but then maybe we all are in one way or another. All I want is to be noticed when I enter a room and talked to, but maybe not. "The indecision of a child, ladies and germs," to quote Jimmy Gator of Magnolia. I ache and moan, and rejoice in knowing no one who hurt me this year or last year or the year before will follow me to Judson but then I realize this will all start again with new people. Maybe I should just bury myself in something and cut myself off from friends, family, church, job, etc. Sigh. The indecision of me.

Been working for the Church
While your life falls apart
Singin’ hallelujah with the fear in your heart.
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home.
-Intervention by The Arcade Fire

more stuff.

The t-shirt is step 1 of a huge project i am going to be working on.