Wowzers

So God has once again shown me His love of the small things. I am now attending the Six Flags trip and by no means of my own finances..someone...i dunno who...but someone is paying for me and providing me with spending money. this wasnt even something I prayed on, God just gave it to me...and I am totally undeserving but so thankful for this blessing...i now get to hang out with the second coolest age group of kids...FRESHMEN!!!!

Summer Nights and Baby Rabbits

August begins very soon.
In August I will end my class, I will show my film, I will register for my senior year, I will go to Great America, I will say good-bye to my college friends, I will see Anathallo, I will begin my final year of highschool. This school year I will lift weights, I will explore art in a deeper way, I will turn 18, I will get into Columbia College in Chicago, I will get a roommate, I will take 3 AP tests, I will take close to no finals, I will hang out with my few good friends from school, and I will graduate.

But it is not yet August, and it is not yet the school year.

I cherish these summer nights where we just hang out and be with each other and know that no matter how different TSM becomes from when we first loved it, we still have each other. Even though things have changed and that doesnt feel so nice, it does feel good to know that we are growing up and are on the verge of life...real life.

I miss trevor and alex as they are away in England...and I'm gonna miss t-bone even more when he heads back to school later this week or next. I also hate thinking about the fact that Alex and I are going to be in different places when college rolls around and how much I'm gonna miss that kid. I guess life is like that though...we move on. I plan to visit trevor and curtis at school sometime this year. it feels like high school isnt even anything anymore, just something standing between me and college.

Well I will leave you with these lyrics by Good Charlotte...yes I know "Boo Good Charlotte" but I like this song.

When I think about my life
I wonder if I will survive
To live to see 25
Or will I just fall?
Like all my friends
They just keep dying
People round me
Always crying
In this place that I like to
Call my home
But not everybody knows
That everybody goes
To a better place
And not everybody knows
That everybody could be living their last days
But the hard times will come
and we'll keep movin' on
We're moving on
Keep movin' on
Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!
On without the things we've lost
The things we gained
We'll take with us
And all I've got
Are these two hands
To make myself
A better man, I
Wonder if I'll ever see the end of this
With all this rain
It just keeps falling
On my head
And now I'm calling
Out to someone else
To help me make it through
But not everybody knows
That everybody goes
To a better place
And not everybody knows
That everybody could be living their last days
But the hard times will come
and we'll keep movin' on
We're moving on
Keep movin' on
Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!
Pain!
Hate!
Lies!
Guilt!
Laugh!
Cry!
Live!
Die!
Some friends become enemies
Some friends become your family
Make the best with what your given
This ain't dying!
This is living!
Said we're movin' on
And we got nothing to prove to anyone
Cuz we'll get through
We're movin' on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and
Keep movin' on!
Life!
Hope!
Truth!
Trust!
Faith!
Pride!
Love!
Lust!
Pain!
Hate!
Lies!
Guilt!
Laugh!
Cry!
Live!
Die!
Some friends become enemies
Some friends become your family
Make the best with what your given
This ain't dying
This is living!!!

Almost Done

School is almost over.

Shot my film today, all i need to do is just edit it, then the final exam and my film is DONE!

August 2, 2006 there is a chance to come see it at 10a.m. in room 705 at the 1104 S. Wabash building...PLEASE tell me you'll come, it would mean the world to me if you came. I can give you directions and train times should you need them.

Just a quick post.

So this will be a quick little post but I just need to tell the world to ignore the critics and go see Lady in the Water right now!!!!

also for curtis' information Something Wicked This Way Comes is a spectacular book by Ray Bradbury about coming to terms with life and mortality.

Excerpt from a Script I'm Working On

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL-FOOTBALL STADIUM BLEACHERS-NIGHT

SAMUEL sits on the bleachers looking at the winter night sky, his eyes close as a snowflake falls in one. FAITH looks at Samuel from across the field and walks towards him. As Faith approaches Samuel's eyes are still closed, she climbs into the bleachers and sits next to him. Her hand rests on his, her head rests on her shoulders as she looks out on the snow blanketed field. Samuel grabs her hand as it rests on his, he doesn't open his eyes.

Samuel: When I open my eyes will you still be there?

Faith: Yes.

Samuel: Good, I like you being here.

Samuel squeezes Faith's hand and opens his eyes, but continues to look at night sky.

Samuel: It'll be okay, right?

Samuel finally looks at Faith, she lifts her head from his shoulder. She looks out into the snow, a tear falls.

Faith: Yeah, it'll be okay.

Samuel wipes her tear away. Faith boasts a large smile and then smacks Samuel with a snowball and jumps onto the field. Samuel stands up and follows her, laughing for the first time. The two of them play in the field throwing snowballs, the credits then begin to roll over them.
The initial credits end as the two lay in the snow and make snow angels.

Samuel(in a barely audible whisper): I love you.

OKAY, so thats it, its an initial draft of the final sequence of a very intense film, now just picture Quicksand by Sleeping at Last playing or maybe Blackout by Muse, and youll have a good feel of the scene.

So it Goes...

I have been anticipating the end of the summer for some time now, I wanted my class to come and now i just want it to end so i can sleep and then school will start and before i know it senior year will be over. I didnt really think about the fact that at the end of the summer I lose some good friends for a few months, heck in like 3 weeks a close friend will be gone. I have a lot to look forward to in this coming year, but I am afraid a little of college. o h well.

My goal is to be different than the world..different than teen culture..in every way, and to be like God in as many ways.

By the way, Michael Buble is extremely entertaining, as is Muse.

Hallelujah

The Lord our God has given me peace, the sea is still.

I haven't fallen into depression like that for awhile, but when I have I haven't recovered as quick so hey, progress.

Let all things their creator bless,
and worship Him in humbleness.
Oh praise Him hallelujah,
praise praise the Father, praise the Son
and praise the spirit three in one.
Oh praise Him, Oh praise Him,
Hallelujah.

That is one of my most favorite hymns.

God has been so good to me, and home is where the heart is and my heart is still here in bolingbrook, in naperville, in trinity, and in TSM, I am where I'm at for God's purpose.

He is faithful. Amen.

Escape.

I want to leave. I cannot wait until college when I can leave this home and this life and begin completely fresh, I can be whoever I want to be.

I feel so ugly...I wish I were skinny or ripped or something...but im this.

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I sat behind two kids my age on the train today and had to listen to them talk about their sex lives. I wanted to puke. why is our teenage culture so sexually distracted?

I'm tired of all of this.

Perhaps next time I post I won't be emo er anything.

When Does a Home Stop Being a Home?

Disclaimer: This post may seem really emotional, but it is a heartfelt post.

Sometimes people say some really hurtful things, things that are just blurted out without any thought behind the leverage of the words that carry to my ear. It hurts, a lot, but at the same time I know I've said some ridiculously callous and ignorant things and I hate that I've done that.

I've always felt TSM was a home to me, but I feel like such an idiot sometimes, like that I'm not saying the right things and that people just want me to shut up. I sometimes just wanna find a dark corner to hide in and escape from everyone. Maybe this place was never my home, just a refuge for a storm, but perhaps I'm supposed to be in that storm, perhaps I'm losing my shelter.

I feel ridiculous

A lot of the time I am wrong...in everything.

I feel so out of control. I wish I had an "accountability partner" someone to just always be there, sure I've got close friends, but I need something deeper, and something consistent.

There are only a few people who never hurt me.

Where am I going? I am afraid right now. It's okay to be emotional sometimes.

Right now I just want to break.

Our sin will find us out.

I would really like to just be held by someone, I've forgotten the human touch.

My heart aches.

I want to be nonexistent--not suicidally, but I just wanna disappear. I want to be missed. I wanna come back and feel loved all over again.

I need a hug...a truly loving embrace to just hold me until i break.

God give me peace...a storm has come.

Anticipating the Storm

The lightning flashes. Wind blows quietly through the trees. We stand on the verge of something powerful, of something frightening. In the stillness our eyes swell up with streams of regret, we are gray in the shadow of a gathering cloud. Hold still butterfly, your wings cause storms. We are not ready. Our lungs pull the oxygen from the air, and we are crushed in anticipation for a concussion. Innocence cries but no one looks, we are distracted by a beautiful destruction. Holding hands we close our eyes and look to the sweltering dark. The storm has come. We search for the light.

All the Steps that Lead Us Here

When I was younger I was so sure nothing could get better than sitting on my sidewalk eating a freezie with my good friends Alex, Brian, and Ryan. I never knew things would change, but inevitably they did, all three friends moved, Ryan moved out of my life, Brian moved far away, and Alex moved across town but closer in friendship. We all began to grow up, and I always had Alex right there by my side. Alex found endeavors that sparked his interest, I tried to follow. This began a long period of time where Alex would move and I would attempt to follow in some way, but it always ended with me in failure. Years passed by and I live in the shadow of my best friend, it wasn't his fault it, he never stopped loving me, but after so long of never being able to be the same person he was I fell away. I fell away into a whole lot of darkness. I was swallowed and I was angry. Sure I was a little angry at myself and my parents, but I was really angry at Alex, why was he so much better than me. I never knew Alex was praying for me, but thank God he was. Little by very little I began to accept invites to Powerhouse, little by very little my heart began to let down its barrier. Eventually God had me. Then he began a new work. Slowly I began to see that Alex was not some stealth enemy in friend clothing, but he was a genuine friend who loved me, but I became so blind with jealousy that I wasn't musical or athletic. I started to realize the gifts and passions God had given me, through this knowledge I became aware of my love for the arts and for film, I became aware of a whole new kind of music and way of life, I became aware that Alex is my greatest friend, and that I never had to be anything but me for him to like me, and that I could be my own person and it be okay. I really like who I'm becoming through God's wisdom and mercy, and I look forward to the life that God has laid in front of me. Ryan is gone, Brian is distant, and Alex is at my side, and it has taken many steps to lead us here.

The Great Quest

I had set aside yesterday after class with every intention on getting to Virgin Records Megastore to purchase the Anathallo CD which is only sold there. I was a little delayed on my quest after class because of a request to go to lunch with a few kids from my class. Twas a good lunch. Got started on my quest which John joined me until Clark street I believe, but before his departure we had to stop in a chocolate shop, or i should say shoppe because it was some fancy place. After our little detour he left and I continued my long excursion. Now if any of you know where Columbia College is then you would know that it is a long long way from Virgin Records Megastore, but eventually after a long and mostly lonely walk I made it. I had reached my destination, it must've been like when Frodo reached Mount Doom. I went in the store found me the A's and to my utter frustration and borderline anger I see no Anathallo anywhere to be found. I look around the entire store by myself until I finally ask a good employee of it's whereabouts, he then checks on the computer, finding it in the webcat he immediately walks to the A's and goes underneath the stands(what novelty) and pulls out Floating World by Anathallo. At this very moment a wide smile spreads across my face and I skip to the register and flutter to the train station in what seemed like no time flat...except I didn't really skip or flutter. I meet Brian of Bolingbrook and Gail of Naperville at the train station and we ride the train home together. Upon sitting in my car once leaving the train I place this new CD in my CD player and a magical sound surrounds me, and I know that the quest was well worth it.

All this to say ANATHALLO IS AMAZING AND YOU SHOULD CHECK THEM OUT!

And we will earn new eyes...

Exhaustion overtakes me at this moment. I am still cold from wearing wet clothes for 4 hours in air conditioning because we had to film in the pouring rain. I need to get in bed soon. However I am ending this night joyful because it's okay to be tired from hard work and pursuing something I love. I will apply to Columbia College, and I will attend it if I get in. That's a huge relief to me to know that, and to know in my heart I'm really excited and have no what-ifs about it. So now it's time to wait for the application to open up for the 07-08 school year, so there should be less talk of college for a bit. I am so blessed to know my passion in life, I thank God for that. I thank God that he has led me through different points in my life that have shown me my passion, all starting with me telling Jon Nance that I felt like a failure because I didn't feel called to ministry during my sophomore year which then led to Rob giving me the book Roaring Lambs and then on to a message by Tony Evans during Moody's Founder's Week and a whole lot of small things and now here I am planning to go to school for it.

When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.
-Careful Hands by Sleeping At Last

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Commuting is a beast. Let me tell you, I am exhausted from all the travelling I do in one day here is my schedule:

5:30 A.M.-Wake up

6:20 A.M.-Go to sister's house

6:30 A.M.-begin drive to city with sister and brother-in-law

7:30/7:45 A.M.-get to the city

7:45 A.M.-Go to Caribou Coffee and read.

8:30-A.M.-Walk to the EC building

9:00 A.M.-Class begins

1:00 P.M.-Class is dismissed/Pursuit of lunch

2:00 P.M.-Hurry to Union Station

2:28 P.M.-Get on train.

3:01 P.M.-Get home

3:30-4:45 P.M.-Nap time

5:00 P.M.-9:00 P.M.-Work.

I just gotta keep going...I mean I love class, but it is tiring to commute...I don't know why, it's just something about it.

Moving to the Future Under a New Light

Last night I had the most fortunate opportunity to connect with a gentleman who once attended Judson but transferred to Columbia College. This fine fellow seemed to be right on the same page I am and has given me a lot of insight into the college I might be going to, this long and very informative and well backed conversation has led me to the very possible conclusion that I think I want to go to Columbia, yes I LOVE the campus of Judson and everything about it, but there is a much different vibe at Columbia that I love equally as much, and in light of new thoughts, I believe it to be okay for me to go there, in fact a big reason I felt it necessary to go to a Christian school was because I was afraid of being judged as not as good a Christian if I went to Columbia, but that's not my problem, people can see me how they want, and if they're so shallow that my school is what changes their thoughts of me then they were never worth thinking about anyways. OY.

Sorry for 2/3 of my post being about college, but right now I'm a little buggled(new word) by it.

Any prayer is as always welcome.

School is Killing Me...Quite Violently I Might Add

Columbia College in Chicago
Pros:
Art School
Sweet Residence Halls
Actual Film Classes--Good ones
In the City
Love the feel of the campus
All my Gen-Eds can relate to Film
Campus Crusades for Christ
Teachers who will work with you

Cons:
Non-christian school
No sprawling beautiful campus to lay out on
Slightly bigger than what I'd prefer
Smoking/Drinking social group

Judson College in Elgin
Pros:
Christian school
Small
Great people
Beautiful campus
Artistic Community
Teachers who will pray with you

Cons:
Bubble community
No good film-classes
No classes relating to film outside the major
Necessitates a car
More expensive

Needless to see this is a really tough decision, there are big factors in the pros and cons i.e. christian v. nonchristian, great film classes v. mediocre film classes, expenses, vibrant community v. secluded community, drinking/partying v. non-partying. I just need to continually pray on this and apply to both I think.

A New Place to Store My Thoughts or My Head Hurts and Three Wicked People Use This Bad-boy So I'll Use it as Well

Well I guess this is the new hip blog, seeing as how Brock and Brian have migrated here and Trevor has been here. Then again three people does not make it hip. Oh well. This is just my introductory post...So I shall post no more here other than: Hello.

P.S. Read on to the post above this one!